Resolving Resolutions
Alright stop sulking over the soap-on-a-rope you got from you great aunt. It’s not as bad as the doily of the month club your brother was enrolled in. No time for that, another year is on the ropes and about to go down for the count. There still time to resolve what you forgot to resolve this past year. Get out there champ; climb that mountain, lose that weight, lift that weight….wait. No, your right, it’s too late. Hang the clothes back on your treadmill and get back to your “better than spam cake.” There’s always next year.
Ever since I resolved to be perfect a few years back I’ve had the luxury of not having to make resolutions anymore. Laugh it up. For those of you that can’t decide on what to resolve this year I’ve gone through the trouble of providing you with a few possible options. Disclaimer: The results of the following resolutions may vary. Consult your physician before attempting to resolve anything that requires bending at the waist and/or anything else that could be construed as being of a strenuous nature.
Resolve to get the daily recommended allowance of fiber. Decreases your chances of heart disease and increase your chances of getting your own seat on the bus.
Resolve to keep your nose hairs neatly trimmed. So when you sneeze it doesn’t appear as if a crazed octopus is doing the cha-cha on your upper lip.
Resolve to banish yourself from the island of so-called reality TV. That’s right Mr. Trump, you and your beauty school drop-out hair stylist are fired.
Resolve to stop buying little kids clown dolls or clown anything for that matter. I did a little study, 9 out of 10 kids, and myself, find clowns to be terrifying and wish they would all climb in their little car and go away.
Resolve to buy a Chinese yo-yo at the shrine circus and attempt to take your little brothers eye out with it. How many kids do you see wearing eye patches? Rooster Cogburn must not have been warned of such dangers.
Resolve to sort through your underwear drawer. If it bares a striking resemblance to tainted cheesecloth, discard of it immediately.
Resolve to never go deer hunting with Laurie Chrest again. It’s the mental scars that heal the slowest.
Resolve to limit yourself to photocopying your face at work to once a week. Challenge a co-worker to try and keep their eyes open when they do it, they’ll be blinded for a few days but the memories will last forever.
Resolve to go on a quest to find the correct answer to every question your wife will ever ask you. “Your absolutely right dear” will work for now, but they’re catching on.
Well there you have it. I hope that I was able to assist you in finding something to resolve in the coming year. Enjoy the holidays, don’t take any wooden nickels, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, eat your vegetables, and help your brother find his eye patch. See you next year.