I believe I’ve uncovered yet another conspiracy.

Valentine’s Day was created by the chocolate industry in response to the popular New Year’s resolution of giving up chocolate. Due to fear of violent backlash from the giants of the chocolate industry this subject has been ignored for years.

The last person to investigate this matter was found unconscious with a mouthful of melted chocolate, but none on his hands. After regaining his senses, he claimed to have been offered 100 grand by three musketeers as hush money. He refused so their goon, O’Henry, snickered as he beat him mercilessly with a watchamacallit. Don’t be fooled by their sweet exterior, deep down most of them are nuts.

Speaking of nuts, I recently read a report that marriage leads to a longer life expectancy. About eight years longer than those who’ve never been married and about nine years longer than those who have been divorced. So, if your wife wasn’t pleased with your gift selection this Valentine’s Day you’ve got eight extra years to make up for it. Unless of course you really messed up, then you have nine less years.

I think basically what this study proved was that the old adages, “Misery loves company” and “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” are both spot on. I’m kidding of course, hoo, that was funny wasn’t it honey. Honey? Hey, get back here with my nine years!

It all makes perfect sense to me. Do you know how many stupid, life shortening things we do to try and gain the attention of women? Impressing women is dangerous business. So, by marrying us they are basically helping to protect us from ourselves. Once we don’t have to impress anyone anymore, we can settle into a safer life of opening mayonnaise jars and killing spiders.

Disclaimer: I am not in any way saying you shouldn’t try and impress your wife. Impressing should not cease but shall take on other less likely to kill you forms.

Allow me to elaborate. Dangling from the side of a water tower with a can of spray paint could be replaced with mowing a heart into the front lawn. Whew…I gotta be careful I’ve got plans for the last nine years of my life.

Marriage is an investment in your life gentlemen. Obviously, the guy who tied weather balloons to a lawn chair to cruise the friendly skies a few years back didn’t have a loving, caring wife to tell him he was a moron and it was a stupid idea. Do you want to be that guy?

I mean it seems like a pretty good idea and maybe with proper… “What’s that dear?” Okay it was stupid.

What truly amazes me is that even with the stress and strain of trying to protect us from ourselves our wives still manage to have a longer life expectancy than us. Must be all those antioxidants in the chocolate.

Happy Valentine’s Day.