All my bags are packed I’m ready to go…

By the time you read this I will have eaten my weight in sushi and rice. No, I didn’t enter an eating contest or attempt to ingest a tapeworm as a form of weight control. On Easter Sunday I was shipped off on another goodwill tour of Japan to bolster relations between the university that graciously provides me employment and an affiliate university in Japan.

This is my second go around in Japan as I was sent to smile, nod and bow a few years ago as well. I guess they figured I have the most experience dealing with foreigners growing up so close to Canada and Minnesota. So, they called in the good-natured North Dakotan, stuck him in a suit and simply said, “Don’t offend anyone.”

As the saying goes, “You can put a North Dakotan in a suit but he’s still a North Dakotan.”

Just smile, wave and tip your little hat like Leroy the monkey at the North Dakota State Fair but don’t bite anyone. If you never got a chance to meet poor Leroy before he was escorted off the midway, my brother Gabe does a spot on impersonation. It’s the wet your pants brand of funny. The kind of funny I’ll need when I get back from the land of little sarcasm.

Seven days of saying, “No..no..I was just joking,” wasted wit, and laughless responses to Caddyshack references will have my funny bone wincing. They are a serious lot, extremely cordial and friendly, but serious. I think it’s the lack of meat and potatoes in their diets.

I enjoyed my last trip to Japan but I’m not looking forward to it as much this go around. A total of about 24 hours in the luxurious accommodations of coach class has me debating on faking the plague. More so than the long flight and the lack of laughter I find myself not wanting to go because it’s a lot of time away from my family. The kids are involved in a lot of stuff nowadays, so it takes two ringmasters to keep the chimps in line.

Pre, our black lab, tries to help out the best he can when I’m gone but not having thumbs limits his effectiveness. So, my wife, with a faithful lab at her side, will be stuck as the Captain of a two-chimp crew while I gallivant around looking like a turd in a punchbowl. As the saying goes, “You can put a suit on a turd but it’s…”

So, if you’re not doing anything feel free to swing by while I’m out and about to make sure the ships still afloat. It may list a little to port or starboard on occasion, but she’s got a good captain and a first-rate crew so I’m sure everything will be just fine and dandy. Fine anyway.

The kids’ only request from me was a shipment of Japanese candy. Of course, Dawn didn’t make any requests because, well, we’re just supposed to know, aren’t we gentlemen.

I’ll have a full report of my journey for you upon my return. I’m sure you’ll bide your time with abated breath until the next column hits the newsstands.