What exactly is so fun about “fun size” candy? We had a bucket full of fun size candy bars to hand out to assorted fun size humans for Halloween this year and I didn’t notice any increase in my fun-o-meter when I sampled them. Maybe I’m eating them wrong.

Last year we ran out and I had to rummage around for treat replacements for fear of getting egged if I didn’t ante up some sort of offering to the little beggars. As a result a few kids went home with a hearty can of Campbell’s soup crushing candy at the bottom of their sack. I should keep a few emergency rutabagas around to drop in their bags like Doc Stevens did to us when we beat on his door on Halloween, dirt and all.

My wife asked why I didn’t just shut the porch light off when the candy bowl went dry? I wasn’t aware that was an option; besides there were two fairies, a ninja, and cowboy beating on the door and I panicked.

We had a beautiful night for Halloween this year, so our whole family patrolled the neighborhood to shake down strangers for candy or whatever else they were pawning off. We even dressed up the dog in a football uniform, and he scored a couple treats.

Since we were all out and about, I decided to go with the self-service method of treat distribution, it saves on the doorbell. The bowl was empty when we got back so either 50 kids stopped by or one brazen trick-or-treater with low blood sugar and a big sack was prowling the streets.

I’m sure there is a brief moment of suspicion when approaching an unmanned bowl of candy on a doorstep, but the sugar fairy sings a sweet song that a kid can’t resist. Since it takes roughly 50 fun size candy bars to equal a full sized one who can blame a kid for dumping the whole bowl in their sack. We probably didn’t have many visitors anyway after word got around about last year’s cream of celery debacle.

Kids remember who gives out the good stuff…so do I. There’s a lady down the street from us who gives out one of my favorites, full size licorice ropes…the candy you can beat your little brother with.

Last year I gave her my best forlorn “I might not make it through the night if I don’t get a licorice rope” look and she threw a pity rope my way. It was cold out last year so it took a good hour to get to the end of my rope. This year my daughter, Sierra, gave me hers because she has braces. So I figure that particular licorice rope ran me about $6,000.

I hope you all had a wonderful Halloween and your face hurts from smiling so much from all the fun you had with your “fun size” candy bars. I doubt you had as much fun as we had with those rutabagas…I heard you can eat those things too.