My wife and I accomplished 15 years of marriage last week. A feat that has taken us far and wide, up and down, this way and that, and sometimes a little sideways but always together or at least a phone call away in the event of an emergency.

What has my man brain learned about the institution of marriage and the woman I suckered into sharing it with me after 15 years? If I learn twice as much in the next 15 years as I did in the first 15, our 30th wedding anniversary will be the day I explain that I can count all I’ve learned on the fingers of one hand. That is, of course, if in the next 15 years I lose four of the fingers on that hand while attempting to give a quarter to Leroy the chimp at the North Dakota State Fair.

That would leave one very fortunate and slightly disfigured finger for me to wave about as I prophesize to our 30th anniversary guests about my knowledge of marriage and women that are your wife. The chainsaw ice sculpture that claimed the fingers on my other hand wouldn’t even begin to drip in the June heat before the extent of my wisdom had been surpassed.

Grab a pen and paper lads…Marriage is a lot of work and women are a complete mystery. Not bad work but work that you want to keep at until you get it right or at least less wrong than right. And who doesn’t like a good mystery? A mystery, that just when you think you’ve got it figured out you are made aware of an entire chapter that had previously been missing.

For as long as you pursue solving that mystery new chapters will continually appear and you will continually make wrong assumptions in regards to the mystery. Gives you plenty to ponder while you’re mowing the yard, swaying in your hammock, or walking the dog. All equally great activities for mulling over the mystery of the woman you share your life with. Men like to mull and ponder even if it produces no useful answers, the act of mulling and pondering is an enjoyable pastime.

When people hear it’s your anniversary the inevitable question is always, “What did you get your wife?” If the question is posed by a man, he is looking for ideas for his own anniversary or hoping the gift you gave was worse than the one he gave so he can scamper home with evidence he hopes will convince his wife she should be glad she got a bug zapper.

If, on the other hand, the question is posed by the wife-type either you or her husband is going to end up at the business end of the “what a stupid gift” stick. So, in the spirit of brotherhood and self-preservation I refuse to answer the woman wielding the “what a stupid gift” stick.

To somewhat lessen the likelihood of us man-types buying undesirable gifts for anniversaries some kind soul put together a traditional wedding gift list that provides direction for the directionless for each and every year of marriage. The list informed me that the 15th year of marriage should include a gift of crystal.

I thought of having a girl named Crystal pop out of a cake, but she had been injured playing Twister at a bachelor party the week before and Emerald was the only one available. So instead, I went shopping for crystal. I’ve never shopped for crystal before, but I can tell you there is nothing manly about it. I couldn’t even bring myself to ask the store personnel where their crystal was.

“Can I help you sir?” “Just sort of looking for that clear stuff that looks like glass but is called something else and the list says we should give it to our wife when we’ve been married for 15 years.” “You mean crystal?” “Maybe that….Could you not say that so loud?”

They kindly led the way, and I picked something simple and somewhat useful…to remind her of me.