I’m toying with the idea of becoming a guru. Wikipedia tells me that “in Sanskrit, Guru means the one who dispels the darkness and takes you towards light.” I thought that going towards the light wasn’t advisable? Maybe that only applies to moths and those with a penchant for hiking through train tunnels. Wikipedia needs to be more specific.

I don’t entertain any such delusion that I actually am, or ever will be, a guru, but there are people that pay large sums of money to be brought towards some sort of light. As a pert near middle-aged man there are things I need (not want) that large sums of money would assist me in acquiring. Various lifts, tucks, and hair line repopulation procedures to name a few. Guru gotta look good.

A little stroll around the internet in my Google sneakers turned up a number of “silent meditation retreats” being offered to moths with the financial means to leave society behind and sit in silence for a lower extremity numbing period of time.

For those without the means or the time, you can create your own silent meditation retreat, free of charge, in the comfort of your own home, by simply irritating your spouse. You know your spouse’s silent meditation inducing buttons (sometimes), push them as needed (results may vary).

We have a cabin in the middle of nowhere that would look lovely on brochure promising a “life changing silent meditation retreat like no other, guaranteed to bring you to the light”, or at least “a” light. The cabin of course would be the Guru Sanctuary of Silence. The moths would be required to silently disperse into the woods surrounding the cabin, and silently set up their personal sanctuary of silence (tent) in close proximity to the tree or rock that they feel speaks deeply and profoundly to their inner most being.

If you can set up a tent without uttering your favorite string of profanity, you are well on your way to enlightenment.

Early each morning, who am I kidding, each mid-morning at best, the guru, gracefully and serenely, saunters out of the Sanctuary of Silence onto the deck and gazes quasi-wisely at the ascending sun…scratches a bit…farts (the signal for the moths to assemble) and listens to the chorus of tent zippers. The guru is about to speak…or not.

Some days I would send our black lab, Pre, out onto the alter…I mean deck…he too would scratch…most likely fart…and the moths would assemble. Pre is a quiet one, so the moths would have to interpret the message of transcendence his panting and scratching is implying and silently relay that message to the tree or rock that spoke to their inner most being.

There would also be a variety of silent chores each moth would be assigned in order to gain further enlightenment. Silent wood splitting and silent fire stoking to keep the Sanctuary of Silence cozy. Silent cocktail making to keep the guru’s level of wisdom at a sufficiently enlightened level.

I will keep you posted on upcoming silent meditation retreats. You too can come to the light…for a price (results may vary).