As a spry 54-year-old, full of vim, vigor, and vitality, I thought it prudent to launch a campaign for change prior to the onset of the chronically debilitating vimlessness that mirthlessly lurks on the other side of July 17th. That fateful day when 55 candles will dimly illuminate the shadowy kneecapping of the remainder of my dead-eyed, dreary existence.

What change do I speak of? A campaign to bolster the rights of those that Perkins recognizes as “seniors” and allows to order from their assortment of false teeth and colon-friendly items? No. Those folks willingly forfeited their societal rights when they decided to get old, so out of respect for my elders, I will do that which they cannot.

In advance of being unceremoniously stripped of my rights and my recognition as a productive and useful citizen, before my voice enters that reedy, rickety octave that languishes below the auditory interest of young people, I will yell my appeal for change from the rooftops. Well…the top step of the porch anyway…the ladder’s heavy and walking up the slope of the roof flares up my plantar fasciitis.

The change that I speak of has the potential to give back lost time or at least put the decision of such in the hands of the individual. The Perkins 55 Plus Country Fried Steak is described on their menu as “lightly breaded steak topped with warm, country-style cream gravy” with a count of 690-1,740 cal.

First off, why include “warm”? Did they have a lot of disgruntled customers who were sending the dish back because they were expecting cold gravy? More importantly, and to the point of the campaign for change that I am time-pressed to bring to fruition, seniors should be relieved of being saddled with the guilt of calorie counts on a menu.

I hereby proclaim that calorie counts be stricken from all senior menus and that “CAL” be replaced with “MPT.” When time is short, do calories really matter? What matters when time is short is time. Seniors would be better served knowing the “Minutes Picking Teeth” a menu item will require than the calories it will provide their withering husk.

For example, Perkins 55 Plus Country Fried Steak at 26 MPT, versus Perkins Peanut Butter Chocolate Silk Pie clocking in at 1.5 MPT. Knowledge of such time commitments associated with various foods would allow seniors slipping down a short runway to make an informed decision as to what they prefer to spend their final skid doing.

Some may still choose the 26 MPT country fried steak, reasoning that at least it will give them something to do while they lodge a formal complaint regarding the temperature of the gravy. So it goes.

In more youthful times, when the spring in my step was farther from being sprung, I used to recklessly relish a fistful of smokehouse-flavored almonds several times a day, but in the throes of my advancing state of age-related tooth gap growth, I have to carefully weigh whether that salty satisfaction is worth 16 MPT.

Would the 0 MPT of broth be a more prudent means of savory sodium intake as I totter on the narrow precipice between the abysses of the past and future?

Pick wisely, my friends.